Toilet Training
by Merry Masquerade
Summary: Kagome learns the hard way that they certainly did NOT have indoor plumbing in the Feudal Era. Bushes, anyone? Oneshot.


Disclaimer: I don't own them, so don't sue. You won't get enough to cover the lawyer bill.

A.N.: Hello again! I my muse finally whacked me over the head with another idea. Potty humor. I'm regressing. Isn't it fun?

I was at my cousin's house for their New Year's party when I got into a very embarrassing situation- there wasn't enough toilet paper, and I was already- ahem! (Luckily, there was an extra roll under the sink, but still...) Anywho, that got me thinking what it must've been like for Kagome... and Inuyasha... out in the woods... with no toilet paper... or toilet for that matter. Can you say 'awkward'? Yes, I _am_ going there. Hehe. I'm so cruel...

This takes place at the VERY BEGINNING of the series, by the way

Finally, something that isn't angsty! I was beginning to think I was turning emo for awhile there... and it even has actual dialogue in it! Go me! Well, I've rambled enough...

Enjoy!

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**Toilet Training**

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Kagome Higurashi had never gone camping. Not once in her entire life.

Kagome Higurashi had especially never been camping in Feudal Japan before.

Kagome Higurashi was a definite city girl- up until about a week ago she considered staying in a two-star motel to be 'roughing it'.

Why was this a problem, you ask?

Kagome Higurashi was, at this very moment, camping _in_ Feudal Japan, after a long day of walking _through_ Feudal Japan.

And Kagome Higurashi had to go to the bathroom.

Bad.

Where's a two-star motel when you need one?

It wasn't her fault, really. No one had ever taken the time to explain this kind of thing to her. Everyone- including herself- had assumed that, at fifteen years old, she was mature enough to handle this kind of thing on her own.

Yeah, right. Look how well that worked out.

"Oi! Wench! Knock it off! All that hoppin' around is really startin' to bug me!"

Kagome stiffened and quickly stilled the bouncing of her knees. She had managed to go all day without having to _go_, but... well, _you_ try to go _all day_ without needing to! Now that they had settled for the night, she had nothing to do but think about just _how much_ she needed to go.

And Inuyasha wasn't helping. This was the first time they had ever strayed more that half a day's walk from Kaede's village (and the Bone-Eater's Well- so, up 'till now, modern facilities had only been a short hop away) and the grumpy hanyou complained every time she even breathed funny.

"Hey! I said quit it!" he snapped. She stilled her motion yet again. If everything she did annoyed him, then why was he constantly watching her?

She shot an annoyed glare across the small fire that he had built and tried to think of other things. How the stars were clearer here, how much her feet were aching, how she hoped that no bugs crawled into her sleeping bag-

"You got a problem or something?" he groused. She put her hands on her knees to try and keep them still.

_Yeah,_ she thought, _I really have to go to the bathroom!_ _And every time I try and focus on something else, you just remind me again!_

"Hey stupid, I asked you a question!"

"Yes! Fine! I have a problem!" she snapped, finally fed up with the interruptions to her thoughts.

Apparently, he hadn't been expecting her to just agree and admit it so easily. He sputtered for a second before finally ordering his thoughts. "Well? What the hell is it?" he demanded gruffly.

Kagome froze. Of _course_ once he knew there _was_ a problem, he was going to want to know what it was! He couldn't just be satisfied that he had won their tiny verbal sparring match- he had to torment her further. She was just that lucky.

Well, if she had any luck _at all_ (besides _bad_ luck, of course), then she wouldn't be sitting in the middle of a forest, in the Warring States Era, on a hunt for the shards of a magic jewel that she accidentally shattered, arguing with a half-demon about admitting that she didn't know how to go to the bathroom!

Oh yes, life was grand. Note the sarcasm.

"Hey! You gone deaf or somethin' bitch?"

Her eyebrow twitched. Her knees bounced.

"You're doin' it again-"

"I know!" she erupted. Refusing to meet his amber eyes, she stared at her hands, clenched in her lap, and finally admitted defeat. "Look, if I tell you, will you leave me alone?"

"Keh. Maybe." Her eyebrow twitched again at his answer, and by this point, her knees were in constant motion.

"Well?"

She took a deep breath and prepared for humiliation.

"Look, I... I have to... I-I mean, I need to... Well, what I mean to say i-is... I kind of... I don't know h-how, um, exactly... and I-I need some h-help..." She couldn't say it. Her face was about to explode with all the blood rushing to it, she couldn't work up the courage to meet his half annoyed and half expectant look, and she couldn't say what she _needed_- desperately needed- to say. And she _still_ had to go to the bathroom!

"Spit it out, would ya'?"

Did you know embarrassment could make time stop? Well, it could. The fire stopped crackling. The bugs stopped chirping. The plants stopped rustling. And in that silence, you could hear the straw landing on the camel's back.

"I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!"

The world chose that thoroughly inconvenient moment to start moving again.

Oh yes. That was just her luck.

The ground stubbornly refused to open up and swallow her. Things couldn't get any worse.

"What's a bathroom?"

Scratch that.

They most definitely _could_ get worse.

"I thought you just took a bath." Inuyasha continued, seemingly oblivious to the fact that she was about to die of mortification. "I mean, that's what your mom said you were doin' when I came to get you this morning, so-"

"No."

He blinked. "Huh?"

"No." She was not explaining this to him. No, no, NO.

"'No', you don't need a bath, or 'no', that's not what you were doing?"

"No. Just... no."

At his blank look, she took a deep breath and tried again.

"I kinda need to... _go_..." she muttered under her breath. In all this time, her eyebrow had not stopped twitching, her knees had not stopped bouncing, and she had been looking at the ground so long that she could probably tell you how many specks of dirt there were in the road.

"Speak up, wench." She lifted her eyes for the briefest second to glare at him before glueing them to the ground again.

He could probably hear her perfectly well, and was just doing this to torture her... but by his uncomprehending look, he might have _actually_ not understood her. She fought down the childish impulse to use the rosary. After all, he probably knew as much about modern slang and indoor plumbing as she did about _going_ in the woods...

"I need to use the restroom." She enunciated clearly, if quickly.

Inuyasha gave an exasperated sigh and rolled his eyes. _Finally_, she thought, _he understood, and we can clear this all up_... _I don't care anymore if he makes fun of me or calls me stupid! I just wanna **go**!_

"Look wench, I know you don't wanna sleep outside, but there are no rooms anywhere near here to rest in, so just quit your whining and-"

That. Was. It.

Right in the control center of Kagome's already stressed out and distracted mind, a meltdown occurred.

"LOOK!" she screamed, jumping up to her feet. "I don't care what you call it here or now or whatever! I don't care if I seem stupid! I don't care if it's embarrassing! What do I have to do to make you _understand_? I HAVE TO PEE!" she bellowed, hopping up and down. She may have looked and sounded like a two year old, but she just _didn't care anymore_. She had been holding it _all day_ and she was _fed up_ and-

Wow. Look at that. Who woulda thought his face could turn that color?

Okay, this was another one of those embarrassment fueled stop/start moments, so any second now-

Whoever ran the universe hit the cosmic 'start' button.

The reality of what she said came crashing down on both of them.

She hyperventilated. He sputtered. Oh, look. Now their faces matched.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TELLING ME FOR! JUST _GO_ ALREADY!" He was on his feet now too, yelling and pointing wildly to the foliage all around them.

Oh, good. At least he finally understood.

Kagome's returned her breathing to a normal pace. She had reached her capacity for embarrassment, and gone over the limit. It was a strange occurrence- apparently if you used up your quota for a certain emotion, you became immune to it. Or you just got mad instead, like Inuyasha. She felt strangely detached form the situation. Ah, the wonders of coping strategies.

"I don't know how." She replied calmly.

His eyes widened even further. Now she finally understood what everyone meant when they talked about being afraid that they would pop out of the sockets.

"But- but... You... I-" Actually, he looked kind of scared now.

"It's not that I don't know _how_." She muttered, realizing the cause of his horror. "I just don't know... _how_."

Now, he looked scared _and _confused, like the little kid that got lost in the department store. He started backing away very slowly, like he expected her to ask for help changing her diaper- not that he knew what a diaper _was_, but still...

"Alright, just... just calm down." She sighed, rubbing her temples and trying to find a rational way to explain things... and she was still bouncing up and down...

"I know _how_, everybody knows _how_. I just don't know how you would go about it here and now..." she gestured to the forest that they were currently residing in, "...understand?"

Slowly, he nodded.

"So...?" she prompted.

"S-so...?" he mimicked, almost managing to keep his voice normal.

"So... how?"

He realized. He blushed. He pointed. "Bushes." He muttered.

"_WHAT_?!?"

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"Um... Inuyasha...?" came a hesitant call from the bushes.

He gulped. That tone of voice couldn't mean anything good, especially considering... what she was... doing.

"Ye-" he cleared his throat to get rid of the nervous breaking and squeakiness, "Yeah? What?"

"Uh... You wouldn't happen to... uh... well..."

Uh-oh. This didn't sound good.

"Spit it out, wench." He cringed. Now that was just asking for trouble.

"Um... you wouldn't happen to know what toilet paper is, would you?"

Oh hell.

**Owari**

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A.N.: Don't automatically scream OOC- please keep in mind that they just met and their relationship hasn't evolved much. This happens maybe a few days after they defeat Yura, and that was the first time that Inuyasha actually bothered to call her by her name, so... yeah. They aren't _very_ far past insults and glaring at this point. And please remember any times that you have been caught without a toilet. You will remember that you can get pretty desperate.

Please note that she did not 'sit' him, even though they had a rather awkward argument. I think the rosary is way overused in fics (no offense to anyone) considering how rarely it is used in canon.

Okay, so this was my first fic with humor/actual dialogue/plot so... yeah. Should I keep going, or quit while I'm only slightly behind? Were the characters still OOC, even when you keep the circumstances in mind? You decide! Just click the button! You don't even have to remember a number to call. Flames are only good for roasting marshmellows, but constructive criticism is yummy.

Thanks for reading!

Peace and love,

**Movie-CaffineAddict**


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